Chapter 12
Paul tells us that we are to have kind – feeling.
In 1 Corinthians 13 one of the first things Paul tells us, is that love is kind. What does “kind” mean?
When used as an adjective it means “having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature.” As a verb, “to be kind” can mean “to regard someone with warm-hearted sympathy and gentleness” The word used in the Greek in Colossians by Paul certainly has the sense of a person having a gentle and gracious disposition. Here is how William Barclay describes kindness in his commentary:
“The ancient writers defined chrestotes as the virtue of a man whose neighbour's good is as dear to him as his own. Josephus uses it as a description of Isaac, the man who dug wells and gave them to others because he would not fight about them [Genesis 26:17-25]. It is used of wine which has grown mellow with age and lost its harshness. It is the word used when Jesus said, “My yoke is easy.” [Matthew 11:30]. Goodness by itself can be stern; but chrestotes is the goodness which is kind, that type of goodness which Jesus used to the sinning woman who anointed his feet [Luke 7:37-50]. No doubt Simon the Pharisee was a good man; but Jesus was more than good, he was chrestotes.”
If God is kind towards us, what does that mean? The illustration that Barclay uses from the Gospels is just perfect. Goodness is internal to Jesus – kindness is the personal expression of that goodness. The Pharisees saw themselves as striving after perfection and goodness [godliness]. Many of them, in trying to attain this became harsh with people who did not own their aspirations, or fell short of their standards.
How does God express his kindness? By treating us tenderly and compassionately and being generous to us in his forgiveness and love. An act of kindness is when another person evidently goes out of their way to think about another person. It may be the husband who spends time searching for an appropriate [not always expensive] gift for his wife simply to express his love. It may be the person who takes time to be with the older lady down the street who has just lost her husband and is feeling desperately lonely. To be kind is not simply to be good, but for that good to be felt in the heart and then reach out. To be kind is costly because it costs us time and effort. To be kind is not simply to give someone money as a replacement for their time and love.
Here is an example of what I mean. A parent gives their child 20 pounds to go out for the day – perhaps encouraging them to go to the cinema and have lunch, or to buy themselves something. What the parent may be saying is, “I don't really have time for you and I am not willing to create time for you, or I cannot be bothered making an effort to spend time with you, so here is some money. Kind or selfish? After all, they have only given money. A parent gives a child a whole afternoon of their time. Where would you like to go, what would you like to do? Let's spend some time together. At the end of the day the parent has given themselves, put off other things and maybe even forgone their own preferences to be with and spend time with their child. Is that not real kindness?
Maybe the best way to understand the kindness of God is to do a word study of its use in the Bible.
“You are so kind and forgiving...” [Psalm 86:5]. The word for kind is also translated, “good”. It is from the sheer good and kind heart of God that he is both willing and able to forgive people for their sins. Gone is any impression of God being reluctant to forgive and somehow having his hand forced by Jesus’ works on the Cross. It was because of the good and kind heart of Jesus as the Son of God that he endured the sufferings of the Cross in order to make forgiveness possible. When we are bid to come to Christ he does not grudgingly forgive us but does so out of a heart and personality that is overflowing with loving-kindness and goodness for us.
“….for He is kind to the unthankful and the wicked…” [Luke 6:35]. This is spoken by Jesus within the context of his expectation that his followers should love, even their enemies. In making this command, Jesus confirms that what he is asking his followers to do is consistent with the nature of God. God shows great patience and kindness even with people who show no respect for him and refuse to acknowledge him. Richard Dawkins has written book after book deriding people who believe in God and as such mocking the very idea of the existence of the person of God. How does God treat his philosophical arch enemy? With kindness, and he has the greatest desire in his heart that Richard Dawkins should come to know him before it is too late! His kindness to the ungodly does not mean that he will spare them the consequences of their rejection of him or their indifference either to him or his standards. It is a kindness based on pity and with the same heart of tears that Jesus had when he wept over hard-hearted Jerusalem.
“Love is patient, love is kind….” [1 Corinthians 13:4]. Is God love, as John indicates so clearly? If he is love then the definition given of love in 1 Corinthians 13 applies to God. If God is love and part of love is kindness then that means kindness is part of the very nature of God. It is an eternal, forever kindness. It is an overwhelmingly powerful kindness. It is an unchanging kindness. Our hope, our faith, our peace, our future, is rooted in, and guaranteed by, the kindness of God. He will feel great kindness for us, and that will never change. He will act kindly towards us and that will never change or end. Our whole assurance for our present and future well-being and salvation is rooted in the unwavering kindness of God to his people.
If God states his intention to show such kindness, do we trust that he feels this for us? It is not enough to know a truth, we have to reap the personal benefit from it. How do we react when someone is kind to us?
- Sometimes we are embarrassed. I often remember being complimented after taking funeral services. People were not just being kind, they were being affirming. I would try and deflect their positive comments because I was embarrassed at receiving a kind compliment. Now I thank people when they say something positive – it makes me feel good and it makes them feel good. We have got to “receive” the kindness of other people.
- Sometimes we are overwhelmed. I remember visiting a lady and she said she wanted to support the charity Linda and I run called Hope4China – it helps about 100 girls in Guangxi province by providing foster care for younger ones and education for older girls. She wrote a cheque for 2,000 pounds – enough to pay for the foster care of all our girls for 3 months. I was on the verge of telling her that it was too generous, when I realised that a comment like that would spoil the enjoyment of her giving. Instead, I warmly thanked her for her kindness and told her in practical ways how we would support girls with this money.
- Sometimes we do not feel worthy of kindness. I remember one particular and outstanding time in our marriage when I let Linda down really badly. I was at my lowest ebb, and deserved to be there. Despite the hurt Linda obviously felt she went out of her way to show understanding, give encouragement and show kindness. I was astonished at the grace with which I was treated.
For God to show kindness to us means that we have to receive it as a gift. We may feel we don’t deserve it and we may feel embarrassed when we think of how much he is giving us [eternal life, full forgiveness, reconciliation, the assurance of his forever love…], but the pleasure with which he brings his gifts to us through his Son will only be spoiled if we cannot receive them in the spirit in which they are offered. That is why receiving God’s kindness is in effect an act of kindness to ourselves as well as an expression of both gratitude and love towards our Father.
If God is kind to us, he is setting us an example of the pattern of behaviour and feelings that he expects, over time, to see coming to maturity in our individual lives and in the corporate life of the Church. Proverbs has one or two things to say about kindness.
Proverbs 11:17, “your own soul is nourished when you are kind, but you destroy yourself when you are cruel.” In other words, an act or disposition of kindness towards others is in fact an act of kindness to yourself.
Someone has hurt you and you decide to forgive them. You go beyond that and decide to try and rebuild broken bridges and visit them with a peace offering of some kind and have a frank and reconciling talk. It was difficult for you to do this because in part it went against how you felt. You only needed to forgive but you decided to show consideration and kindness. The other person feels valued [and perhaps humbled] and has learned a vital lesson themselves in grace. However, you feel the inner benefit of doing what is right and a burden lifted.
Other expressions of kindness have a similar effect. When we respond to the needs of other people who are going through desperate times in another part of the world. We feel the liberty of letting go our money and the inner benefit of an act of kindness that will contribute to the well-being of another person and possibly save their lives. They benefit, we benefit. Francis was right when he said, “In giving to all men we receive.”
However because we are sinful we have got to be on our guard when expressing kindness:
First of all, the person who is the object of our kindness must never be made to feel that they are in our debt. They may feel in our debt, but we must never allow them to feel that that is what we are looking for.
When we give to someone [money, forgiveness, or whatever] we should always do so in a way that preserves the dignity of the other person. In a previous congregation, we had a Benevolent Fund. If the minister or the elders identified a family or an individual in need, they would arrange for the Session Clerk to get some money to the family [the fund was financed through donations given to the minister for taking funerals, so it was quite substantial]. I identified a family that I had come into contact with and I knew they were going through a hard time financially. I contacted the Clerk and asked him to get a fairly substantial sum of money to them. The man went to the home, knocked on the door, intimated that the church knew they were going through a hard time, and here was some money to help them. He meant no harm, but the response from the family was one of injured pride that their affairs seemed to be so well known and well discussed. The lesson learned from this? In future money was put in an envelope and popped through the door without any indication of where it had come from. Some of the elders were not happy with this because they wanted people to know that it was coming from the church, but it was sufficient that God should know and that people were helped.
We have always got to be on guard against our own egos. When we want to do what is right, we have to humble ourselves before God, so that nothing of our own ego spoils the good that is being done.
When acting in kindness, we need to remember that big is not always better. I have a drawer full of cards. They were made by our children at birthdays and Father’s Day – they may not be as grand as the sophisticated cards bought in a shop, but they are infinitely more precious to me. We also need to remember that often the best act of giving, is the giving of our time. In the middle of a very busy day, that was in the middle of a very busy week, I felt led to pop in and see a lady, whose husband’s funeral I had taken a few days earlier. The sense of hopelessness immediately hit me, and she was profoundly depressed. What was more important at that moment, was not the next visit, but giving time and thought to helping that dear lady – my time was the gift that was needed.
Proverbs 12:25, “Worry weighs a person down; a kind word cheers a person up.”
Two things are linked in the proverb – worry and kindness. It is natural for us to worry but Jesus clearly indicates that worry is also a sign of a lack of trust – a failure to appreciate and trust that both Jesus and our Father are in control of all the events in our lives. Here are some extensive quotes from my own personal database. I give them to me and to you because I believe that worry is one of the most significant issues in our lives that we tend to justify, robs us of our joy, destroys trust and empties us of power and potential:
Worry eats away at joy like slow working acid – C. R. Swindoll
Worry is fear that has unpacked its bags and signed a long-term lease. Worry never moves out of its own accord – it has to be evicted – John Ortberg
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength – Corrie Ten Boom
What worries you masters you – Haddon Robinson
Manage your problems? Of course. But let your problems manage you? The worrisome heart does – Max Lucado
I believe God is managing affairs and that He doesn't need any advice from me. With God in charge, I believe everything will work out for the best in the end. So what is there to worry about? - Henry Ford
Worriers spend a lot of time shovelling smoke - Claude McDonald
It has been well said that no man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear. Never load yourselves so, my friends. If you find yourselves so loaded, at least remember this: it is your own doing, not God's. He begs you to leave the future to Him and mind the present - George MacDonald
Don't take tomorrow to bed with you - Norman Vincent Peale
'Each day has troubles enough of its own' So why anticipate them? If we do, we double them. For if our fear does not materialize, we have worried once for nothing; if it does materialize, we have worried twice instead of once. In both cases; it is foolish: worry doubles trouble - John R. W. Stott
Every thought is either enabling and strengthening you to be able to cope with reality to live a kingdom kind of life, or robbing you of that life…For instance, nowhere in the Bible does it say, “And then God worried.” So I can be quite confident that thoughts that move me toward a paralysed anxiety are not from God – John Ortberg
Worry is irrelevant. It alters nothing. When was the last time you solved a problem by worrying about it? Your anxiety earns you heartburn, nothing more. Regarding the things about which we fret:
- 40 percent never happen
- 30 percent regard unchangeable deeds of the past
- 12 percent focus on the opinions of others that cannot be controlled
- 10 percent centre of personal health, which only worsens as we worry about it
- 8 percent concern real problems that we can influence
Ninety two percent of our worries are needless! Not only is worry irrelevant, doing nothing; worry is irreverent, distrusting God – Max Lucado
I am inwardly fashioned for faith, not for fear. Fear is not my native land; faith is. I am so made that worry and anxiety are sand in the machinery of life; faith is the oil. I live better by faith and confidence than by fear, doubt and anxiety. In anxiety and worry, my being is gasping for breath--these are not my native air. But in faith and confidence, I breathe freely--these are my native air. A John Hopkins University doctor says, "We do not know why it is that worriers die sooner than the non- worriers, but that is a fact." But I, who am simple of mind, think I know; We are inwardly constructed in nerve and tissue, brain cell and soul, for faith and not for fear. God made us that way. To live by worry is to live against reality - Dr. E. Stanley Jones
Worry is faith in the negative, trust in the unpleasant, assurance of disaster and belief in defeat...worry is wasting today's time to clutter up tomorrow's opportunities with yesterday's troubles. A dense fog that covers a seven-city-block area one hundred feet deep is composed of less than one glass of water divided into sixty thousand million drops. Not much is there but it can cripple an entire city. When I don't have anything to worry about, I begin to worry about that - Walter Kelly
Every evening I turn worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway - Mary C. Crowley
Why worry when you can trust. It is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere – Anon
Worry is wasting today's time to clutter up tomorrow's opportunities with yesterday's troubles – Anon
When I look back on all the worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened – Winston Churchill
The word that the Proverb uses for “a kind” word can also be translated “an encouraging” word. There is not a lot of difference between the two ideas. To speak in kindness and not out of impatience or harshly, gives courage to a brother and sister in the Lord. All of the above quotes, if thought about, meditated upon and acted out, are words of kindness, which though true, I know I struggle to apply to my life. But struggle I must, to put into effect what all those experienced people are saying to themselves, to me and to you. I am strengthened by these kind and encouraging words of others to admonish myself and to trust in my Father every day, in every circumstance.
We are encouraged by Paul not just to act out of kindness to others, but to have “kind feeling.” I have always been someone who has been cautious about allowing my life to be dominated by my feelings. Perhaps the reason for that is manifold:
I learned when I was very young that to survive as a person I had to suppress my emotions. The reason? Because one of the emotions that frequently rose to the surface was anger – an anger that would often threaten to get out of control. Why was I so angry? At the time I could never have rationalised it, but looking back I now see that I was angry at the hand life had dealt me. Why did I have epilepsy? Why did it come when I was 8 years old? Why did it prevent me from doing so many things? Why did I have to keep it such a secret? Why did I get so depressed? Why did my parent’s relationship with me change so completely?
When I was younger I had a growing sense of insecurity. I subconsciously began to believe that I would never lead a normal life, be married, have children, have a secure job. I went into a fantasy world where everything was perfect and that made me feel emotionally secure: but it also meant that I distanced myself from people and normal relationships – relationships where people have to show real emotions and where everything is not perfect.
From time to time strong emotions would rise to the surface. I was scared by these emotions. I would immediately suppress those emotions and was really afraid that people might see me in a moment of weakness. Now I know that this is normal for men in particular, but in my case I would recriminate with myself for showing such weakness.
I now realise the extreme harm that such manipulation of my feelings can cause to healthy emotions. Sometimes anger has to be expressed to be understood and then dealt with in a healthy way. Other times sorrow has to be expressed to expunge from our bodies the consequences of sadness in order to allow a healthy release. There are times when joy is expressed and there is just an explosion of healthy emotion. Our feelings are often the barometer of our inner health. Of course there are times when we might “feel” like revenge and have to prevent ourselves from enacting it – however it is also healthy to admit that we have such a feeling, either to ourselves or another person we can trust, as part of a healthy resolution that can lead to forgiveness and even reconciliation. There are times when I “feel” driven by lust and have to confront that feeling by telling myself that what I am being driven towards is not healthy or right and to understand in the cold light of day the consequence of giving in to temptation.
How are we to regulate our feelings or emotions? We have to accept them as legitimate, but we also have to invite the Holy Spirit to transform our emotions. Perhaps a request like this is legitimate,
“Lord, I don’t want just to do the right thing and be kind, I also want to feel kindly towards all the people that I will come across today. Help me to shed my selfishness. Help me to set aside negative thought and feelings about people. Help me have genuine empathy, thoughts and feelings that are kind. I need your transforming power today in all of my relationships and with every person I come into contact with today.”
Jesus did tell us to ask. Surely if we constantly ask for good things and for transformation into the fruit of the Spirit, the Lord will see this as honourable and in accordance with His will?